For the last three days I have been creating pages in my sketchbook that I bought specifically to record my exploration into the world of art and design…
This morning I realised that following my inspiration does not mean that every day I have to create a piece of work. I have, once again, made it in to a chore, a check list, something to beat myself up about if I don’t accomplish it every day…
Reflecting on this takes me back to when I was about seven. At the beginning of each week I would take out a double page spread from the middle of a school notebook and draw a grid of ‘Things to do to be good’ which I would tick as I completed them. I can’t remember what they all were now, but they included such things as cleaning my teeth, things which would give some certainty to my knowing that I could achieve the tasks I had set myself. I can see now that it was an attempt to feel safe, to be in control, and has been echoed ever since in attempts to diet or follow other impossible resolutions that I set myself. And then, as now, when I failed in some way – which meant not having a 100% success rate – I would give up and berate myself for my shortcomings. And then start all over the following Monday, thinking I would be able to master it this next time….
But following my inspiration may look very different….
It could be just sitting on the allotment basking in the panorama of the marshes dotted with trees covered in May blossom…
It could be admiring the tiny orange and black butterfly that landed on the comfrey ….
It could be arranging my pots outside my back door ….
It could be writing a blog post…
The other insight this morning is about letting go of ‘why’ thoughts. For some time now I have wanted to find a way to bring all my reflections, inspirations, art works and writings into one place, and questioning my need for this. Now I realise that I can follow this impulse for its own sake, for the joy that I receive from doing it, without needing to know the purpose of it. Intellectually I could see that it may be because it could form part of a book that I may create one day, but even that doesn’t matter. Just follow my inspiration and see what wants to emerge…
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