I have continued to obsess about what I should be doing in the future, one minute thinking I need to find a job, the next going on yet another training course that will, for sure this time, bring me great fulfilment from being in a satisfying new ‘career’.
It was only a week ago that I did the mindfulness with children course, yet have already dismissed it as a possibility. Each attempt, each effort, stems from trying to assuage the continual fear that I feel, get rid of the panic that besets me each day.
When all I really want to is to rest. To be still. Present. Relaxed. At peace.
Last night I was listening to a recording of an interview with Eckhart Tolle. He was describing some of the events of his life, both before and after his waking from unconsciousness. He went on to say that for many years he was just being, rather than doing – walking in nature, sitting on park benches – until he was then pulled back into the doing world. He didn’t concern himself when he was doing ‘nothing’, knowing that there would be a time when he would he would be moved to take action or create or conduct his life in a different way. He went on to say that this is the same for many people, having a need to do inner work for the rest of the world.
I felt comforted by this, and it has temporarily silenced my inner ego which would have said that it is preposterous, lazy, self indulgent, downright deluded.
For over 50 years I have tried to work out my life, planning and controlling and plotting a path that would satisfy the rules of my ego, my parents, my teachers, and the cultural conditioning of my time. Yet now I am exhausted from the struggle, and am overwhelmed with the plethora of how to’s, the total bombardment of ideas on how I should live my life. I now want to listen to my own inner wisdom, that wisdom that comes from presence, from somewhere deeper than all the surface information.
I feel that every avenue I have pursued has become a dead end, every lane and road has deteriorated into dirt tracks, and every signpost I have followed has led me on a wild goose chase. Because I was always looking to the outside, to people, events, places that I thought would give me freedom and purpose.
So now I am ready to totally trust the Universe, to take a leap of faith and trust that whatever I am doing, or not doing, is perfect for me at this time. I intend to stop judging myself – nothing that I do from hereon in is wrong, however badly it may come across, and however shaming my ego mind says it is. I am going to accept every moment as if I had chosen it. The fact that it is happening IS perfect, because it’s what is happening. How arrogant to think otherwise!
I know I will still be fearful at times, possibly more so as I won’t have my usual crutches of distracting courses or action plans to stop me from feeling those feelings. I am not going to actively react against my present circumstances. Instead I am going to live in a place of not knowing. Until I do know. Or even if I don’t.
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