I seem to be going through a massive letting go, a releasing of something big in readiness for a new way of being. I am stripping everything away, everything I thought I knew is dissolving into a soup of uncertainty, of not knowing, of present-ness. I will have to totally trust this process otherwise I will crumble. And yet, even if I crumble that will be part of the process too. I have been holding on for dear life, yet dying too in these constraints.
It feels like the world is moving very fast – not the physical, hurried pace of this physical reality – but on a deeper level, on a consciousness level. I can either go with the flow of this river or suffer trying to go against the current. It feels as if I am being taken somewhere. I can go kicking and screaming or I can go gently, willingly, with curiosity. I can allow myself to be swept along in it, with it, to where it needs to go. Trusting that I will be taken care of.
I am having to let go of everything. Physical possessions, ideas and concepts about how I should live my life, people who I ‘follow’, relationships, the routines and methods I have set up around me to protect myself, to make myself feel safe. Little I read is resonating with me, I am in information overload, and I am more and more having to simplify my life, be present, live each moment for its own sake. Any knowledge I have is slipping away, not seeming relevant or up to date any more.
I am almost ready to drop my business. The business that was never meant to thrive because I set it up from a place of needing money rather than following my heart. I am not quite ready. But I feel that it will drop me somehow. That my energy will leave it completely and I won’t even have to make a decision about it.
All this is very scary. Very uncomfortable. I feel very vulnerable. I have only my inner resource, by which I mean Life itself, to give me solace, reassurance, acceptance of where I am at. Nothing else can give it to me. No books, no people, no symbols, no material things.
I am also having to relinquish any idea of clinging on to ‘proof’ of who I am. I have wanted for a long time to make some sort of enormous recording of my life – my journal notes, my art, my blog, my book. I have had an obsessive need to collate them all, control them, express them in one big package that is ‘My Life’. I think all of this is part of the holding on, trying to find some security. But now it feels as if the rug is being pulled from under my feet, that I am going to have to stand on my own two feet, but with the support of the Universe, not the material things that are only signposts to our living. There is nothing left to hold on to, whether people or objects, or philosophies and concepts.
I have a new understanding of timing and flow. I can try and figure out what to let go of, when to take action or when to stay still but it will all happen when it’s meant to, despite my planning. There is nothing I have to do with any of my thoughts, nothing I have to work out or analyse or direct or control. Things will happen when they happen. There will be endings and new beginnings regardless of any input on my part. I simply have to follow where the energy takes me.
This may seem all very passive. Yet it feels like a strength to be vulnerable and open and unknowing, to sink into Life and what it wants from me, through me, for me.
Am I stepping into Life, or stepping out of Life? Such is my uncertainty that for now I can’t
even tell the difference.
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