I have been very aware that I have not posted recently and that my contribution to this blog has been erratic and inconsistent. Which would be OK if I was comfortable with that. But I have been bowing to internal pressures that say I should show up more frequently, that I am somehow lacking by not posting more regularly and that I ought to get into a routine which, over time, will become an automatic habit.
These pressures, although felt very keenly in my internal world, originate from the outside conditioning of books, articles and podcasts or from generally accepted cultural and societal expectations.
Everyone knows that in order to be more productive or have most impact we have to establish a practice that delivers, consistently.
But do we?
In the past, in an attempt to introduce some discipline into my life I was constantly creating daily schedules in the hope that giving equal attention to various projects would result in me achieving more. But the reality is that I can never stick to rigid prescriptions and, like a school timetable, they leave no space for what wants to emerge.
Since I made the decision to follow my inspiration, to be led by what moves me in the moment, I have found that my daily structure can be even more chaotic than it was before. Yet I still sometimes feel bound to follow a set of rules, even the simplest, most heart-based guidelines on what is the ‘right’ way to do things.
This process seems to be one of constant revision, an ever more subtle fine tuning of what it actually means to follow one’s own internal direction and impulses, to be absolutely free of outside influences.
I can be guilty of too radical a rejection of other’s input in pursuit of the lofty ideal of only following my own heart, but I think I am finding a kinder way of striking the right balance. I can still be open to information and ideas, be inspired by what I read or watch or hear but I don’t have to use it to fix or change the way I work or play. I don’t have to follow another’s blueprint, or adhere to hard and fast rules that have been ‘proven’ to promise success or fulfilment.
If something resonates with me I can allow it, absorb it and fully immerse myself in it, but I do not need to use it or reproduce it in order to produce an expected outcome.
All great artists, whether painters, sculptors, writers or dancers will have aspired to become like those that went before them. They will probably have surrounded themselves in their icons’ works, they may even have at first copied their style, but at some point their own explorations and experimenting would have taken them to new levels, to a new form of self expression and an individuation unlike anything that preceded them.
To be pioneers we need to break from existing trends, create new rules and forge new directions.
And this includes the pace at which we go.
It may mean we are subject to intense bouts of activity followed by a resting. A space for inner processing and digesting of outer forms.
We can not force the timings or control the impulses. We can only show up, take action when we are moved to, and be patient when we feel empty or uninspired.
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