I haven’t posted in here for months. I felt I had to have something to say. Something wise, or profound, or inspiring. I had forgotten that the purpose of this blog is for my own exploration.
I have started to meditate every day. Usually in the morning, but sometimes, like today, in the afternoon. I simply close my eyes and spend 45 minutes sitting still, allowing everything in my experience…. thoughts, feelings, sensations, reflections, insights. Physical movements – involuntary sighs, deeper breaths, my body relaxing. Listening to/being aware of what I am sensing – sounds, temperature, heart beating, aches, pains, minute bodily movements.
Today I had been sitting for about 40 minutes with not much going on in terms of thoughts or turmoil. I had the thought that it would be interesting to do this whilst going through some emotional stresses, destructive thought patterns, and impulses to remove myself from sitting with it all. But for today not much of that was going on, luckily. Towards the end however I did suddenly think how lucky I am to have such freedom. Even to be just sitting here, doing nothing, eyes closed. Rather ridiculous that our lives have become so busy doing, doing, doing, that it seems to be an indulgence to just sit still for a short time. And then the next thought came in – Guilt. Guilt that I had this freedom, that I can afford to not be rushing about like a mad thing like so many do. Guilt that I am not working, not earning money, spending what money I do have. But I just allowed it all to be there, and witnessed how my body was reacting.
It also felt very right that I was giving myself this time and space. Knowing that I need to do it in order to let in the next direction. That this experience, my experience and no one else’s is just how it should be. There is no point in comparing to others. This is what is happening, and this is therefore exactly as it should be. It should be because it is.
This is my pattern, my bespoke way of being in the world. If I have periods of intense activity followed by periods of inactivity, of not knowing, of re-grouping, then so be it.
I have spent my whole life running. From me. From reality. From each and every moment. From every discomfort. And being run by. Run by expectations. Run by choices of others. Run by conditioning and indirect peer pressure. So the relief to stop, just for a few minutes, was immense. For it to be OK to be just sitting. Not planning, or worrying, or mindlessly doing things.
It occurred to me just how amazingly disconnected I have been (in fact how much most of us are) simply because I haven’t given myself time and space to connect with my true nature and discern what is mine and what is not mine.
A by product of all this is, for today, a feeling of expansion, of letting go of urgency, of not needing to be driven by my internal slave driver.
And the rather beautiful realisation that it doesn’t matter how this post is seen. If it is seen as imperfect, self indulgent, irrelevant, boring, I don’t mind. It is my process and I am enjoying it!
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