Today I am feeling lost and confused.
When I started this blog my intention was to explore different ways of being in the world. It has been neither a smooth ride nor a logical progression. Not that I expected it to be either.
Every time I think I have found a way of living that embodies the simplicity and clarity that I am comfortable with I then discover new authors, teachers and speakers who challenge my old ways of thinking and open up new ways of seeing or understanding.
I guess this is a natural process. An expansion of consciousness. A new level of awareness. A deeper connection to Life.
But it can be unsettling and sometimes I get swallowed up in the middle of it.
I forget what I am supposed to be doing.
Not in an everyday, practical way. I still get things done, go to appointments, visit friends. But in a bigger picture sort of way. When I can’t get a handle on what I thought I knew. When I don’t know what I believe, how to behave, what I should be feeling.
I get into comparisons, differences, subtle nuances between authors. I can spend days ruminating on pluses and minuses, oscillating between ‘systems’, discarding one principle in favour of another, trying to work out which theory is the ‘best’ one to follow. I get stuck in labels, compartmentalising, box ticking.
And in an attempt to control the mass of conflicting ‘evidence’ my thinking becomes rigid and inflexible. To mask the escalating confusion I can be preachy, dictatorial, opinionated. To myself and in front of others. Like there ‘s only this way, no other way will cut it. It’s just my mind’s way of trying to make sense of it all, figure it out.
I lose sight of who I am.
I, quite literally, get lost.
In my thinking.
When I get caught in my mind machinations I have forgotten my own guiding principles. The knowing of my heart. I have become disconnected from my own wisdom, disembodied from my own awareness of what step to take next, what impulse to follow.
I still feel lost right now.
I am aware that I am still caught in my own thinking.
And I am OK with both of these.
I can stay with the thoughts, stay with the feelings, stay with the physical sensations that arise in each moment. Having the awareness of this, noticing what is happening, witnessing what I am experiencing is all that is needed right now.
I don’t have to ‘know’ the big picture. I don’t have to get my head around anything. I don’t have to change anything.
Simply stopping, breathing, re-connecting, I feel a little less lost.
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