I haven’t posted for a long while. I don’t think it’s about my perfectionist tendencies, more to do with a feeling of being out of control, of losing the plot.
I know just about all the theories from my years of reading spiritual books and following various gurus or teachers. Even those that come from authors writing about non-duality and welcoming in all that arises, whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
But the bottom line is that I am still a mess.
And I think that might be the point!
I have reached a stage where, even though I don’t like it, (because my go-to distraction has gone), I can’t pick up a book or read another article on anything that contains a hint of ‘How to…’ or ‘397 steps to….’ Or even writing that offers guidelines or advice or benefits of another’s experience. I seem to be suffering from whatever the equivalent of compassion fatigue is, perhaps reading-self-help-books-to-make-myself-feel-better-fatigue.
The seeking is still there, the yearning to be free of whatever I’m feeling ….
Yet I’m dismissing everything…..
Everything I thought I knew, everything anyone says or directs me to, everything I use to bypass what’s going on for me.
And especially words. From respected authors, from new writers, from my own mouth or pen.
And yet here I am, writing….
It is now time for me to be fully present to myself, not to any outside authority that says I need to be fully present to myself!
I need to go within. To see what’s there, to embrace it. Just as it is. However it is. However I am.
So, I have been doing some painting. It took some time to get started. I wanted to find a painter that I liked so that I could learn their style. I found artists whose work I like who use pastels, others who use very loose watercolour or who prefer mixed media. I looked at e-courses that I had bought and never ‘opened’. I took out a monthly subscription to those offering support in getting over artistic blocks.
But of course none of these worked for me because I need to find my own style!
And that only happens when I start putting paint to paper.
I have been interested for a long time in the process of creating rather than the product. I still love the look of some representational art, and secretly harbour the wish that I could produce it, but it is the actual act of making marks, choosing colours and mediums and playing intuitively, spontaneously, that really delights me. I am drawn to abstract expressionistic paintings, to the aliveness and energy of it.
And what I also love is that it somehow changes how I feel. I can’t put words to it, I can’t explain ith
So I have started playing. Tentatively, self consciously. With embarrassment and often disappointment.
And I have posted some examples here ….
To show up.
As I am.
A mess.
In all my perfect glory!
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