Last week I had a coaching session. I had found the lady online through a circuitous route of one website leading to another and so on. I loved what I read – about coming from a place of love rather than fear – and thought she could help me. What did I think she could help me with? Well, the list is endless; why I can’t stick at anything; why I can’t decide on what course of action to take; why I get so excited by a project only to lose interest the minute I’ve started; what my purpose is on this planet; why I don’t know what that purpose is or even what I like or want to do.
I was on the phone for an hour and three quarters. We looked at decisions I had made as a child that weren’t serving me now. We looked at core emotions that I wanted to feel and qualities that I wanted to take on. We looked at this and we looked at that. Throughout the conversation she complimented me on my openness, my vulnerability, my awareness. She suggested a few books, and directed me to some podcasts. After the session she sent me some notes on our time together and directed me to yet another ‘teacher’ and her 10 bullet points of wisdom.
Part of the philosophy and belief system of this coach was that the ego can take over with thoughts that we identify with, thus causing us suffering. And that we have a choice in every moment to be swayed by those thoughts or to choose more empowering ones. I am very familiar with these concepts, being almost mainstream thinking today. Yet I felt that her coaching was pointing me in the one direction that would cause more analysis, more intellectual understanding, more ‘spiritual’ knowledge.
And I don’t want more of this. It is complicated. And overwhelming. And never-ending.
I am going to have to tell her that I don’t want to continue with the coaching. And I suspect she may say that the ego has jumped in because I am afraid. Afraid of going ‘deep’, afraid of changing patterns, afraid of x and afraid of y. I will tell her that I have realised that the only ‘way’ to fully face whatever is arising is to fully face it. Not question it, or work out where it came from, or ask how I fix it. Not read another book about it or listen to another podcast.
I am relieved that at last I can let go of making an outside source be my saviour, the one that does the work for me. Instead of kidding myself that I am committed to change, instead of going through the motions of another course, another book, another teacher, I can see that I was/am addicted to being stuck in the energy of always seeking, whose mission, by default, is to never find resolution.
So now I have the simplicity I crave.
‘All’ I have to do is live it.
Easier said than done of course! And I am sure the subject of many future blog posts.
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