As I stop listening to my limiting thoughts and act only on inspiration, on what moves me in each moment, I am becoming aware of some very subtle but profound shifts in my way of being in the world…
I
think I may have talked before on this blog about my need to keep a visual record of my life – of personal journal entries, photographs, copies of art I have done, insights I have had, information from books that have resonated with me etc. Sometimes I become obsessed with it, as if holding on to it all will give me some security, some safety when I need it. A guarantee that I can answer either my own or someone else’s questions. All I would need to do, in this hypothetical situation, would be to look it up. And if it was written down, recorded in detail, I could remind myself of it when I had forgotten yet again how to live my life.
Until now I have been unable to let go of thinking that all I needed to do was amass enough information or read enough books enough times for the content to sink in. I wasn’t consciously aware of this need, I just thought it was the way life worked. Worked being the operative word. Work hard, work at it, work your way – and you will be alright.
But now I can see how utterly limiting it is. Because it’s second hand, is never fresh, and is always a direct result of someone else’s experience rather than my own. I’m not saying that it’s not helpful or interesting to read accounts of other peoples’ experiences, or to look up something that may help in certain situations, but as a way of being in the world it’s living vicariously rather than feeling and knowing directly from one’s own viewpoint and history.
And from the limitless well of information of Life itself, accessed by being present to all that is real and raw in each moment.
I can see that in any given situation I will always have what I need to ‘answer’ what is being asked of me. Whether that is words to someone in distress, solutions to a problem, or knowing what next step to take or what course to follow.
And that is so incredibly freeing! To not have to metaphorically haul a trolley full of outdated information and resources everywhere I go lest I need to retrieve the relevant sentence or concept or anecdote.
So as I act on intuition and impulse my behaviour appears to be chaotic and disordered. I feel totally out of control. I can no longer see the bigger picture, (which ironically never was the bigger picture but just my limited mind’s eye viewpoint!) and I don’t seem to be able to join the dots anymore. I am simply doing what I feel like doing and the rest seems to be taking care of itself.
I can see that Life doesn’t work in a linear pattern of ‘do x and y will appear’ or ‘follow Step One with Step Two’.
And it means that I can’t do anything wrong!
This is all quite difficult for me to explain, and may not make much sense.
But then nothing is making much sense for me at the moment.
Yet it’s a wonderful place to be!
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