I was first introduced to Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way probably twenty years ago, and have been doing Morning Pages off and on since then. The idea is that by getting on to paper all the thoughts and feelings swirling around in one’s head it clears the way for increased creativity, intuition and synchronicity in all areas of one’s life. This year I am continuing the theme, working through the Vein of Gold, sequel to The Artist’s Way (and a longer, 30 week process), to develop my artistic vision and practice.
Alongside the Morning Pages each week we go on an Artist’s Date – an activity of our choosing, something fun and playful, that we do alone. It is designed to provide visual and other stimulus to activate ideas and further inspiration, what Julia calls ‘filling the well’.
I am absolutely loving both processes, and am excited at the small, and large, changes that I am already witnessing, both in practical terms and also in my whole attitude to the way I live my life. I am finding myself giggling a lot more, with myself and with others, I am more animated, and I am bursting with ideas for future projects that are close to my heart but which I had dismissed as un-doable, too simplistic, or just plain silly. I hope to be writing more about this in the coming days.
But the biggest discovery has been a change in the way I see my role, my identity even. As those of you who have followed my blog will know, I have been obsessed with finding my ‘life purpose’, the one true passion that will fulfil all my creative and spiritual needs!
Which seems to directly oppose my other passion, which is endeavouring to live my life moment by moment, living in the present, allowing what wants to unfurl rather than planning what my future should look like!
Apart from the fact that there is no such perfect career or direction, (and even if there was it would be continually changing as I grew and evolved), I have had two major realisations:
The first is simply this:
My life purpose is my way of being in the world!
It is not a place I need to get to, it is not something I need to achieve, and it is certainly not a one-size-fits-all job description that lists essential and desirable skills and experiences!
Rather, it is whatever I am in each moment, however I feel, whatever I believe, the choices I make, the way I interact with others, how I spend my time alone.
What’s more, my way of being may not fit in to a traditional view of what a job/career should look like. The fact that I flit from one subject to another, that I rarely finish things, that I can know that I am going to spend the rest of my life on the next pursuit only to drop it a week later is all OK. It is who I am. I am a curious, inquisitive person who loves variety and difference and for whom learning and new experiences is key. I may not have much to show, materially speaking, or have a list of letters after my name, but I have a very rich internal world from which I draw inspiration and value, and out of which I offer sensitivity to others, emotional awareness and heartfelt connections.
My second realisation is as huge as the first!
In my continual search for the perfect career I have taken a great number of courses, most of them in the domain of therapy/counselling/healing. And I have never formally practiced any of them.
The latest that I have succumbed to is a course on holding space – for myself, for individuals and for groups.
But only 10 days in I have realised both why I keep being drawn to such courses, and, more importantly, why I don’t need to do them any longer!
It was through the process of the Morning Pages that I have been, almost unknowingly, questioning my motives for wanting to continually do more courses without ever progressing to finding clients or setting up groups. I toyed with several possibilities: simply a lack of confidence perhaps; a need to give what I actually wanted for myself; the wounded healer; an identity I wanted to convey to those around me, a noble profession that would make others approve of me; a further exploration of a gift which others say I have (an extension of the people pleasing?)
My analysis of the above came, of course, from the incessant machinations of my mind. They could all be legitimate ‘reasons’ for my procrastination, but none really hit the mark and none really explained why I kept being pulled into similar type courses without finding them fulfilling.
It began to dawn on me, through doing the Artist’s dates, that I was re-connecting with an aspect of myself that had long been lost – my fun and playful side! Hidden under a pile of should’s and oughts and buried beneath childhood criticism and dismissal of anything artistic as it ‘would never lead to a proper job’, I had been living most of my life being serious and ‘grown up’.
Although this was an amazing discovery it still didn’t explain why I keep being drawn to the courses.
Until I saw that it was nothing to do with any of the ‘reasons’ I had found. It is, quite simply, an automatic energetic pattern, a familiar way of being with others where I feel safest and least challenged. A place where I don’t have to put my head above the parapet, where expression of anything to do with ‘me’ is neither needed nor appropriate, and where nothing I say or do can be rejected. Eureka!
So not only have I realised that my way of being is a unique and authentic expression of who I am and is therefore perfect however it shows up, I also know that I can have amazing fun with it!
Having unlocked my childlike, natural joy of being alive I feel on fire, buzzing with ideas for creative projects! Inspired projects which come from my heart, and which I can put out into the world knowing that they will land in the perfect places and be received by those that will enjoy them.
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