Over the last few days I have been experiencing a letting go of heavy thoughts, heavy ‘have to’s’ and heavy pressures on myself. Despite all I have written about putting aside any expectations on myself to write for others, to have the perfect site or to know where I am ‘going’, all these things have still been lurking in the shadows. Preventing me from simply expressing whatever is arising in each moment.
Yesterday I had the thought ‘what would I feel if I allowed myself to drop the driven, urgent need to produce or prove or endlessly practice before being perfect enough to show up?’ Imagining it I felt lighter, relieved, excited even. It was almost too good to be true! Could I really do that, could I really allow myself to feel so joyful, so spontaneous, so FREE Having no direction, no clue as to what was next felt so empowering, so liberating, so full of possibilities that I could hardly contain the energy of it.
And then this morning I was reading some posts from an online writing group that I am part of in which people were expressing overwhelming gratitude for the support and sense of belonging to this particular community. A community which is about the bigger picture, a community where writing about individual experiences are helping to create a vision of a new world, a new, open way of being, where all are lifted and held and inspired. Where people are writing because they have to, because they can’t not write. Not for money or self aggrandisement but because they are part of a larger movement that is gaining momentum as more and more people are pulled in to it.
And I could see that I need to be part of it, I am part of it, and I too can’t not do it. I don’t know what I am doing, I don’t know how to do it, I don’t know where it will take me. But I have to show up, every day, on faith, trusting that I will be led.
I want to be part of the bigger picture, where I am guided and supported to fulfil a larger purpose. I am not, however, going to disown or dismiss the anxious, scared and fearful little me that thinks it can’t contribute. Instead I am going to lovingly scoop her up, knowing that she is part of the whole and we will take the journey together.
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