I am exploring yet another avenue, but one which I hope will change my whole way of being in the world. I want to make an enormous leap of faith and simply follow my inspiration on a moment by moment basis, ignoring all thoughts that come up that say it is a ridiculous thing to do!
Over the last few weeks I have been taking time daily to be creative. This has not been a logical progression – to do 5 minutes drawing so that I can become accomplished in a month for example – but rather a haphazard and random process which allows me to act on impulse and follow what I am moved to do.
A couple of days ago I decided to participate in a writing exercise that had arisen from an offshoot of a writing course I did last year. I hadn’t written anything formally since then so doubted that I would be able to come up with anything. The remit was to first do a drawing of negative space around an object, transfer that principle to a situation or a problem and then write about it in any way I wished . I chose, as always(!) to focus on my confusion and inability to find a direction or purpose in life that would fulfil me.
I did two drawings of negative space, and then suddenly ‘saw’ the bones of the whole issue – that I was looking from within the problem rather than being the space around it. And as a metaphor. So here is the poem that emerged:
A drawing pin on a map of the world
One tiny fixed point attached to what seems to be solid and true.
Grasping, clasping, containing how to’s, information, must haves.
Piercing the background layer,
mistaking this spear through the heart for security and safety.
String fails, board falls, pin dislodges.
Papers fly free, unneeded now.
No longer a map, but a chasm of space.
As I sat in my bath this morning my mind was spewing out random, disconnected thoughts and ideas, words that I wanted to write. But like the waves on the shore, as soon as they had peaked they receded, making way for another set.
I can try and rationalise what it all means, or I can dismiss it all as nonsense. I can overlay it with further thoughts that I am out of control, that I must be going mad. I can go into overwhelm and then shut down, seeing it all as pointless and inappropriate.
Or I can just stay with it.
I can stop pretending.
Pretending that I have perfect ideas, that I know how to live in this world. That I have progressed somewhere, that I have my own answers.
Because life is messy.
And all I can do is keep showing up.
And as this blog is about a space to be, a space to be me, however that presents in any moment, then that is what I am going to record.
And whether that shows up as ugliness, confusion, sadness or madness I am going to allow it all to curl up next to me, welcomed, held. With permission to stay as long as it likes.
And who knows, it may then wake as wonder, beauty, peace….
I seem to be entering a new phase, one in which I know I need to do less. Instead of having a ‘To Do’ list, I have created e a ‘Do NOT do’ list.
Last week I had the first of a set of 6 restorative Yoga sessions, where the only energy we used was in changing postures! Using bolsters, cushions and blankets we spent an hour and a half completely relaxing. From getting into the very first position I experienced such a profound letting go that all I wanted to do was cry. I had an intense realisation that my nervous system was totally exhausted from continually holding on, from being on alert 24/7, and from unceasingly questioning ‘what next?’.
Because I do daily meditation, take mindful walks, and try to incorporate present moment awareness into my day I thought I was beginning to slow down and give myself a break. But this yoga practice showed me otherwise. I am still going at break-neck speed, I’m still ‘working’ on everything (aka myself), and I still feel that I need to get somewhere, somewhere ‘better’ than where I am today.
So my ‘Do NOT do’ list now includes all reading that I think will give me answers, go-to books that I consult when in a crisis (aka feeling something that I am not comfortable with), any course that I misguidedly think will enable me to earn a good living if I just work hard enough at it, having found my one true passion first!, (aka distracting myself from fears of lack and poverty) and all time spent on the computer following links to yet more e-courses promising tools, tips and techniques on how to change my life for ever.
I am hoping that by not wasting time and energy on any of the above, I can give myself a
space that will allow whatever needs to emerge to surface in my awareness. And that it will include fun, playfulness and more simplicity.