Having said that I was sending my book manuscript to publishers I decided that I wasn’t up to receiving a deluge of rejection letters, or worse, hearing nothing. Even if was successful I didn’t want to wait two years to see it in print.
So I have taken the plunge and self-published my book on Amazon. Following a very steep learning curve Finding the Plot: Notes from the Allotment is now live!
I have been very excited by the whole process, living on adrenaline for the last two weeks as I experimented with cover designs and corrected incompatible file extensions and formatting errors.
One of the final, and hardest, decisions was choosing how visible I wanted to be, whether I added this blog address and other social media platforms to what I affectionately call my Non-Bio.
My technological skills and grasp of digital marketing are non-existent and I baulk even at the mention of promoting or publicizing my work. Although I want to share my book, I am nervous about putting my head above the parapet, revealing more of myself than I am comfortable with.
Many writers have sleek and glossy websites, showcasing impressive writing credentials, celebrity endorsements and millions of followers. I, on the other hand, have a disparate array of cobbled-together, unbranded, social media accounts which I use inconsistently, none of which are professionally designed.
Because of this I initially decided not to add any contact details to my author page until I could access the knowledge and resources needed to create a more cohesive public profile.
However, the arrival of the Corona virus and subsequent lockdown has seen a change in how we are showing up in the world.
We have seen a willingness to be vulnerable, to drop the pretence that everything is rosy and to admit to our worst fears and anxieties.
The discovery, or reawakening, of hidden talents has led to an outpouring of creativity, of messy exploration and unbridled self-expression that has brought joy and laughter to millions.
It seems that being real, showing up as we are, fully giving of ourselves in the moment, has become more important than protecting the false image of how we would like people to see us.
Self-acceptance and honouring our ordinariness are key themes in Finding the Plot, so it seems entirely fitting that I have chosen to lead by example and add my less-than-perfect medley of websites to my author profile!
Everyone has been voicing their opinions on what the effects of the Coronavirus is having on our lives and how it will impact and change us, both as individuals and society as we go forward.
Each of us will be drawn to confront particular aspects of our lives that we have perhaps overlooked, that are not working, or which bring to light neglected and forgotten dreams. We may find ourselves having to be more community minded, or conversely, more inward looking.
We may have to become more inventive. Creativity may surface from nowhere, providing a nurturing and fulfilling antidote to fear and vulnerability. Old beliefs may fall away as we re-evaluate what is important to us.
I had such a realisation this morning as I was sitting outside my back door having a mug of hot chocolate between jobs.
I have a small courtyard area which leads to a three-tier stepped grass area rising to a shed at the top of the garden. Shrubs planted along both sides provide variety and seasonal interest and require very little maintenance. Although I have a small table in the courtyard I rarely sit there, it being more of a stand for a twice-yearly pot of some colourful flower or bowl of bulbs. Apart from a sorry looking parsley plant I have two terracotta pots which again are planted each spring and autumn with leftover seedlings or last year’s rather unspectacular geraniums. I don’t have much spare time to devote to this area – I also have an allotment where I grow both flowers and vegetables – but I do try and keep it free of clutter and looking as good as I can make it.
But now, three weeks into lockdown, it is looking remarkably different. Having to stay at home means that I have more projects on the go, more time to spend on them, and less pressure to tidy up. My bike, which lay neglected in the shed, has now been mended and leans against the bins which have been brought in from the alleyway. I have a second, larger table on which sit two green gardening troughs sown with lettuces, and lots of trays of seedlings. At night these go into a mini greenhouse that is on the back wall facing the sun, together with a variety of other pots and trays that have spilled out onto the ground. Three large pots with dahlia tubers that haven’t yet surfaced complete the plants, and I have bags of compost, watering cans and a trug scattered about in a random fashion. A director’s chair, positioned to catch the early morning rays, has an easel and half completed watercolour painting resting on its arms, drying in the sun.
In the past this chaotic scene would have caused anxiety, both in terms of what it would take to restore a sense of order, and the look of it, what others would think of it. And of me.
But today I see it in a totally new light. I see it as me inhabiting my life.
I have time to enjoy each process. I don’t have to get things finished, or put away. I can spend longer looking closely at ordinary, everyday items and find beauty and awe in them. I feel involved in a deeper, less superficial way and steps are no longer part of a larger plan but delightful in themselves. Inside I feel unrushed and unpressured, a feeling that I haven’t quite accepted yet as being OK.
This sense of inhabiting feels very appropriate to me at this time, mirroring my need to more fully inhabit my body. It’s about looking at what is here, the inner workings, each part having a vital role. I feel a greater sense of connection, a coming together, as if I am reclaiming parts that I had shut off and which are necessary for the whole to work cohesively.
I wonder what individual insights others are having in this surreal time we find ourselves in.
From the confusion and uncertainty of my last post, came some surprising turns and new directions. Mostly unexpected.
I suffered a sudden financial loss, started working long hours in a new job, and had a brush with cancer. My creativity took a nosedive, although I have completed writing my book and am in the process of publishing it.
I thought I was finally coming out of the liminal space in which I’d found myself, where nothing was working and there were no clear steps forward. I discovered a new area of interest, and began writing a blog post on it. But every time I returned to complete it, it was as if I’d lost the point of what I was trying to say.
It felt irrelevant. Forced. Inauthentic.
It was on the subject of nervous system dysregulation caused by stress stored in the body. Without exaggerating, it felt that every issue and challenge I had faced in my life could have been the result of this. I enrolled on a course to learn more and even though I discovered that change wouldn’t happen overnight (no surprise there!), whenever I encountered any life challenge I would simply tell myself that if I kept doing the exercises I had no need to worry. I projected everything on to it as a ‘solution’, an answer to all my problems.
One thing did result from my repeated attempts at trying to force-finish the blog-post however.
It was the coming to mind of a statement, written by Deepak Chopra, that when I first read it moved me to tears. I had resonated with it so strongly that I had a visceral reaction to it without really understanding it intellectually.
The sentence was, ‘Let your body take care of you.’ (my italics).
Although I was moved by the words, I still wasn’t sure how to allow that.
I continued doing my course exercises. I had an increasingly strong craving for being in the natural world, alone. Although I dreamed of finding a field in which I could build a studio and spend all my time in nature, I didn’t find a way to make it happen.
So when I knew that there was a possibility of lockdown due to the corona virus pandemic, a part of me was relieved. I’ve been self-isolating for years, and now I didn’t have to justify it!
Yet.
I knew that I was still intellectualising rather than actually changing the way I live my life. I was more intent in showing off my newfound ‘solution’ to the world than doing the work.
I was using the course and my new obsession to distract myself, to stay in control.
My wanting to hide away in a remote field was simply another avoidance tactic. To avoid people. To avoid participating in the world. To avoid listening to myself. I was trying to get away from, rather than facing up to.
Now I am being forced, like most of us, to face Fear and Uncertainty.
Whatever potential scenario scares us the most, the fear that we experience will be the same. We might be scared of losing our income, our homes, our families; of no longer being able to use food or drink or socialising or work to feed our addictions; of facing any form of illness, Corona or otherwise, physical, mental or emotional, that can’t be addressed immediately; of shining a light on our relationships, our ways of being together, our dependent and dysfunctional partnerships.
We may have to meet with boredom, frustration, loneliness; lack of control over our environment; continued uncertainty, anxiety and apprehension about the future.
We will roller coaster through emotions, think we’re on top of things but have disturbing dreams that might indicate otherwise. All the things we were running from will catch us up.
We can either surrender fully to all of this or suffer for longer by resisting. We can welcome all opportunities to see things in a different light – individually, collectively, globally – or we can be dragged kicking and screaming.
We can loosen our grip, stop clinging to old ways of being, let go of how we think things should be and forego any idea of what the future will hold.
I now have a clearer understanding of Deepak’s message. And in this current climate his advice seems to be more important than ever and the only valid choice left open to us.
We can keep bringing ourselves back to this moment, right now, where we have all that we need. By acknowledging how we are feeling, by staying with what arises, we can start asking what our hearts truly desire. By listening to our bodies we can follow our instinctual impulses and begin to collectively create a new world more in harmony with nature and for the greater good of us all.
Of course it isn’t going to be easy! Especially for those on the front line facing the most excruciating challenges of all. But for many of us we now have the time and the space to slow down, return to ourselves and wait for whatever is next, knowing that we will come out of this as more caring, more compassionate, more connected.
PS: For anyone interested in finding out more about the fascinating subject of nervous system regulation there are books and much free material online from some wonderful pioneers in this field – Peter Levine, Gabor Mate, Irene Lyon, Bessel van der Kolk, Stephen Porges, Kathy Kain.