Last week I had a coaching session. I had found the lady online through a circuitous route of one website leading to another and so on. I loved what I read – about coming from a place of love rather than fear – and thought she could help me. What did I think she could help me with? Well, the list is endless; why I can’t stick at anything; why I can’t decide on what course of action to take; why I get so excited by a project only to lose interest the minute I’ve started; what my purpose is on this planet; why I don’t know what that purpose is or even what I like or want to do.
I was on the phone for an hour and three quarters. We looked at decisions I had made as a child that weren’t serving me now. We looked at core emotions that I wanted to feel and qualities that I wanted to take on. We looked at this and we looked at that. Throughout the conversation she complimented me on my openness, my vulnerability, my awareness. She suggested a few books, and directed me to some podcasts. After the session she sent me some notes on our time together and directed me to yet another ‘teacher’ and her 10 bullet points of wisdom.
Part of the philosophy and belief system of this coach was that the ego can take over with thoughts that we identify with, thus causing us suffering. And that we have a choice in every moment to be swayed by those thoughts or to choose more empowering ones. I am very familiar with these concepts, being almost mainstream thinking today. Yet I felt that her coaching was pointing me in the one direction that would cause more analysis, more intellectual understanding, more ‘spiritual’ knowledge.
And I don’t want more of this. It is complicated. And overwhelming. And never-ending.
I am going to have to tell her that I don’t want to continue with the coaching. And I suspect she may say that the ego has jumped in because I am afraid. Afraid of going ‘deep’, afraid of changing patterns, afraid of x and afraid of y. I will tell her that I have realised that the only ‘way’ to fully face whatever is arising is to fully face it. Not question it, or work out where it came from, or ask how I fix it. Not read another book about it or listen to another podcast.
I am relieved that at last I can let go of making an outside source be my saviour, the one that does the work for me. Instead of kidding myself that I am committed to change, instead of going through the motions of another course, another book, another teacher, I can see that I was/am addicted to being stuck in the energy of always seeking, whose mission, by default, is to never find resolution.
So now I have the simplicity I crave.
‘All’ I have to do is live it.
Easier said than done of course! And I am sure the subject of many future blog posts.
Instead of undertaking Day 3 of my blog writing challenge I have been diverted by something I read which for the moment I simply want to share. It was so simple, so true, so obvious that it completely took me by surprise.
It was about our feelings, something I hope to explore at length in various ways over the course of this blog, and in particular the way we tend to use all sorts of distractions or addictions to avoid feeling them, to numb them. The words that stopped me in my tracks were:
‘If you don’t feel bad, you don’t feel good either.’
Today’s blog writing challenge is to explore what I love helping people with, or what they thank me for. What would I be happy and excited to help others with even if I didn’t get paid?
What comes to mind is a miscellany of things. Practical – help at events, clearing work spaces, running errands, collecting things, organising trips. Creative – taking photographs, telling stories, choosing colours, sharing home grown flowers.
And the less tangible – smiling, listening, giving people time and attention.
And it was this last area that seemed to be the common denominator, the thread weaving them all together. It has been a revelation and a relief to discover that it is not necessarily what I do but how I am that makes people thank me.
And what I want to give. Space. And stillness. Which should be no surprise considering the title of this blog! I like to create a space for people to be who they are. To listen without judgement, to allow whatever they are thinking or feeling to be welcomed. To make nothing they say or voice be wrong. To allow them to freely explore who they are and what they want. And to find their own answers, go through their own process.
Of course I am not always able to give this. I can be so consumed with my own issues that I hardly notice others around me. I can be uncommunicative, angry, sullen and withdrawn. But when I can express my fears and vulnerabilities and open to others all of our hearts open a little wider.