I continue to be torn between thinking that I should do more courses to learn how to be there for others, and being there for myself. I know, intellectually, and in my heart, that creating the right space for myself will allow the same for others.
There is no need for further learning, more ‘how tos’ or additional tools or techniques. I know this. Absolutely. I have been trying to simplify, simplify, simplify. Rather than amass more secondhand, stale, inauthentic, not true to me but to someone else’s, formulas I need to just be me, as I am, whatever I am feeling, thinking, sensing.
And out of this beautiful and far reaching space that I allow myself to inhabit will come more integrity, more truth, more authenticity.
And more knowing what my next steps are, however minute or seemingly trivial those steps might be.
I haven’t posted in here for months. I felt I had to have something to say. Something wise, or profound, or inspiring. I had forgotten that the purpose of this blog is for my own exploration.
I have started to meditate every day. Usually in the morning, but sometimes, like today, in the afternoon. I simply close my eyes and spend 45 minutes sitting still, allowing everything in my experience…. thoughts, feelings, sensations, reflections, insights. Physical movements – involuntary sighs, deeper breaths, my body relaxing. Listening to/being aware of what I am sensing – sounds, temperature, heart beating, aches, pains, minute bodily movements.
Today I had been sitting for about 40 minutes with not much going on in terms of thoughts or turmoil. I had the thought that it would be interesting to do this whilst going through some emotional stresses, destructive thought patterns, and impulses to remove myself from sitting with it all. But for today not much of that was going on, luckily. Towards the end however I did suddenly think how lucky I am to have such freedom. Even to be just sitting here, doing nothing, eyes closed. Rather ridiculous that our lives have become so busy doing, doing, doing, that it seems to be an indulgence to just sit still for a short time. And then the next thought came in – Guilt. Guilt that I had this freedom, that I can afford to not be rushing about like a mad thing like so many do. Guilt that I am not working, not earning money, spending what money I do have. But I just allowed it all to be there, and witnessed how my body was reacting.
It also felt very right that I was giving myself this time and space. Knowing that I need to do it in order to let in the next direction. That this experience, my experience and no one else’s is just how it should be. There is no point in comparing to others. This is what is happening, and this is therefore exactly as it should be. It should be because it is.
This is my pattern, my bespoke way of being in the world. If I have periods of intense activity followed by periods of inactivity, of not knowing, of re-grouping, then so be it.
I have spent my whole life running. From me. From reality. From each and every moment. From every discomfort. And being run by. Run by expectations. Run by choices of others. Run by conditioning and indirect peer pressure. So the relief to stop, just for a few minutes, was immense. For it to be OK to be just sitting. Not planning, or worrying, or mindlessly doing things.
It occurred to me just how amazingly disconnected I have been (in fact how much most of us are) simply because I haven’t given myself time and space to connect with my true nature and discern what is mine and what is not mine.
A by product of all this is, for today, a feeling of expansion, of letting go of urgency, of not needing to be driven by my internal slave driver.
And the rather beautiful realisation that it doesn’t matter how this post is seen. If it is seen as imperfect, self indulgent, irrelevant, boring, I don’t mind. It is my process and I am enjoying it!
I have been searching for a very long time for a suitable ‘career’ or vocation, trying to find my ‘purpose’. Intellectually (ironically) I know that it is not something I can figure out, it having to come from my heart, a feeling space rather than logic or rationale.
I have been fine tuning what I thought were my innermost needs and wants, and am discovering that it is more of a quality than a tangible thing ‘out there’ – although the result of it is very tangible, both in terms of its effects and how it makes me feel.
I have struggled for a very long time with a perceived conflict between having certain healing ‘tools’ and not wanting to intervene in another’s journey. This then led to my desire to create an actual physical space where people could come and ‘be’ however they were, a sanctuary where they would not be judged or isolated but welcomed and accepted, whatever was going on for them. The space would be the healing environment, in the same way that if you change a landscape and provide a suitable habitat, birds and animals that have long since gone will return.
And now I am at a place where I am interested simply in the quality of my attention and presence, where my undivided listening, with my whole being, gives to another all that they need to contact their own stillness, their own knowing.
Running alongside this thread is my own knowing that no programme or training is going to ‘fit’ me one hundred percent. I have found many courses which teach the importance of close attention and deep listening but they are all embedded in techniques of one sort or another, techniques which may not resonate fully with me, or which have too many steps to follow. I can take on parts and leave others, but the ideal result is for me to find my own way of being in the world, and my own way of offering this to others.
And whilst I continue to look ‘out there’ for tools and techniques that have come from someone else’s unique experience, I will fail to fulfil my own unique potential, my own character signature.
And in order to do that I need to give my full attention and full present moment awareness to myself! What I want to offer to others is what I need to give to myself first. I need to start listening to myself – my body, my wishes, my deepest needs – so that the whispers that have been drowned out with too much physical activity can be heard, acknowledged and acted on.
I want to hear what Life wants from me.