I am a little down this morning. A bit flat after the build up of a garden market stand yesterday to sell my own photographic greetings cards. Although I love photography my heart hasn’t really been in the selling and marketing of them. I covered my costs and made a little profit, although if my time involved with the preparatory work was included I would have made a big loss!
But really I am flat because I am doubting myself. I have so many ideas of little projects, subjects that I want to share, which initially I get very excited about but which I then dismiss thinking that no-one will want to join me in discovering them, asking myself who I am kidding, why I don’t just stop distracting myself and get a job…
As I have posted before, whatever I want to explore and share is what I need to do for myself. At the moment this is a very very basic self care package, a way of giving myself comfort and security. A base from which to orient myself, a diving board from which I can jump. But without it I can go nowhere because I don’t feel safe or nurtured or protected.
So this is where I am going to start. From where I am. And this is what I will share. My foray into looking after myself in an extremely simple way. Tiny baby steps that will involve falling down and getting up again. Being the toddler but also being the hand that metaphorically helps the toddler get back up, the two roles in one.
My first baby step to self care – a beautiful linen napkin and a simple vase of flowers
Despite my best efforts I am still procrastinating. Because I want everything to be perfect. Although I am writing this blog for myself, I have an awareness of an audience, which limits my self expression.
So I have decided to post every day. Simply as means to establishing a habit, a routine. Once I am used to that I can start refining what I am saying, focusing on specific topics, bettering my style.
I can only turn up as I am now. Which is all I want to say and be. I want to share this with the world. Nothing new. Nothing extraordinary – although the results can be. Simply being present. Being mindful of all that I do. Accepting every thought and emotion and sensation. Welcoming it and inviting it to stay for as long as is needed.
Ultimately I am doing this for myself. Because I love the feeling I get when I have expressed my self and shared it with others, an other. I am going to trust that this is not only a good enough reason to do it, but actually the only reason to do it. By doing something I love, by sharing my joy of writing – even if it touches on, or delves into, deeper darker parts of myself – it comes from my true authentic nature. Hopefully, by baring my soul, others will feel freer to do the same, even if it’s in private, in their own words in a journal, or simply as an acknowledgement of something in their own minds.
