It’s 3am and I can’t sleep for excitement. Much has happened since my last post, not in the external world, but in terms of internal struggles and conflicts. And yet this morning I’m buzzing with new ideas, new directions, new understandings.
The last few months has been dominated by much angst. Over what I thought I wanted to be doing, lack of confidence in my abilities to do it, procrastination and lack of motivation. My default pattern of knowing that that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me reared its ugly head on a daily basis.
I had it all planned out – I was taking part in two writing courses – one a serious one requiring much input and another less taxing one, a blogging course, and several other online courses that I’d bought but not even looked at – on the lines of photography, creativity and self expression. Somehow they were all going to come together in articles, my own e-courses, a bespoke ‘job’ that would give me the fulfilment I was looking for whilst providing the freedom that I craved.
Actually what I think it was giving me was an excuse to stay small. To hide behind the metaphorical bedcovers. To be a distraction from my real work.
I found myself doing other things rather than sitting at my desk writing. I wasn’t showing up. I had a niggling suspicion that what I was telling myself (and other people in my imagination who were questioning my pursuits) was a smoke-screen, a way of justifying my inaction with defensive statements that I was ‘preparing’ or ‘taking time out to really connect with my inner wisdom’. All of this was totally unconscious, although I probably was actually needing the time to arrive at my new realisations.
Concurrent with all of the above was a pervasive atmosphere of fear. Fear of running out of money before I had secured a way of creating an income off my own back. Fear of being a complete failure and having to admit defeat. Fear of having to get an ‘ordinary’ job. Fear of losing my freedom. Fear of nothing changing, of repeating patterns that go way back.
And I was having trouble marrying my need for freedom with the isolation I was feeling, the lack of connection to people that I needed more than I cared to admit.
I came to the conclusion that what I had perceived as the way forward – being present, in touch with my intuition, trusting that the universe would provide not only the inspiration but also the resources – was only for other people, that I clearly wasn’t good enough at it and I just needed to be ‘realistic’ and go down the linear path of get job, earn money, survive.
Having surrendered, synchronicities started turning up. I started looking for jobs. I was excited about an administrative post in a Free school which valued art and music and excluded no-one, but dismissed it because I wanted to be actively involved in it, not stuck behind a computer. That led me to thinking about volunteering to be a teaching assistant, something I had done in the past and which had given me great pleasure being around young minds and hearts. I found a course that would give me a basic training which would make it easier to apply for positions. At the allotment I was listening to an old hand talking about his granddaughter who had completely come out of her shell having been part of a programme using theatre skills. And then I saw two separate Facebook posts that captivated me – one on an organisation using movement and art as a way of exploring and expressing emotions for children, and the other on wellbeing and resilience in schools using mindfulness and meditation. All this reminded me of a Relaxed Kids course I had taken many years ago which I had rejected – finding a tiny aspect that I didn’t resonate with – but probably just because I was afraid to step outside my comfort zone.
So in the space of a few days I have gone from a dead end, despair and resignation to a world of new possibilities. An age-old desire to work with children has been re-ignited. Any former attempts, and there have been many – training in art therapy, play therapy, volunteering for Place2Be, classroom assistant positions, Relax Kids, using Trust Technique with children – were abandoned because of lack of confidence. I now know that I can’t resist this any more (funny how this word can encapsulate both excitement and fighting!) and that however hard it is to get over my self-consciousness, my fear of failing, I have to do it.
There is a view that the advice we give others is advice to ourselves, that what we want to do for and with others is what we need for ourselves. And this is being shown so clearly to me here. The reason I am so excited is that I can see myself eventually creating a programme for adults who never learnt to express themselves through movement and the arts; who, like me, turned down opportunities because they weren’t comfortable in their own skins and didn’t know how to break through the feelings of embarrassment and self-consciousness; who think that it is too late and are resigned to a mediocre life watching others more confident taking the limelight and doing what they love.
In doing this I will be helping both myself and future generations. I haven’t yet decided which avenue I’m going down, which course I will take. But I am going to take action and follow my calling.
My understanding of A Space to Be is being refined and revealed by the minute!
Over the last few weeks/months I have been trying to let go of pressures. Pressures that I have been putting on myself. To accomplish tasks, to make decisions, to move forward. To Know what I Should Be Doing.
And at the same time I have been focusing less on being earnest about everything and more on how I can bring fun and joy back into my life. I had put these on the back burner due to an erroneous belief that I could only access them once my Real Life was Sorted. Once I deserved them I suppose.
And I have found myself drawn, or re-drawn, to various texts, blogs, podcasts and books advocating not only getting out of my own way but also, more importantly, how to stop thinking that I have to do it all on my own. I am slowly beginning to really believe that there are infinite resources out there, metaphysically and practically, just itching to give me all that I desire!
This morning, resurfacing out of nowhere, came my dream of a physical Space To Be – somewhere in nature, where people could come together to express, to create, to simply BE whatever they are being in this moment. I saw artists coming with their own studios – portacabins, metal containers, wooden huts; a space for creatives to get together, to inspire and be inspired; a safe and sacred sanctuary for people from all walks of life to be themselves, whatever was going on for them in their own individual journeys, and with no need to be any different; a communal space for talks or workshops or just hanging out; and animals, and flowers, and nurturing foods…..
In my spirit of allowing I am simply feasting on this vision and having no expectations of outcome. I have no conditions on timings or location or size. I will take tiny steps, as I am moved to, to bring this to reality.
This is a vilanelle, a specific format of a poem. It is the result of an assignment for an online writing course (Martha Beck) where we had to write about an evildoer in our lives and then find where we were as guilty of that wrongdoing in/to ourselves before then passing sentence, compassionately, on self and others.
What I saw in others I had to see in me.
Hatred and venom arising from fear.
Each moment a choice, a space to be.
Resolving to change, to begin, just mimicry.
Blind faith in Life, could Love be near?
What I saw in others I had to see in me.
No force or judgment, simply to see
the actions I took, the voices to hear.
Each moment a choice, a space to be.
From faking to feeling, then I was free.
From doubting to knowing, heart now clear.
What I saw in others I had to see in me.
Like a dance, step by step, beautifully
weaving a union – dynamic, sincere.
Each moment a choice, a space to be.
No longer different, part of humanity.
By allowing stillness grace is here.
What I saw in others I had to see in me.
Each moment a choice, a space to be.